News

Horrible does it again
January 1st 2012

A record 6th win for Horrible just proving what an annoying little bandit he is. After ramping up his handicap to Monkey-like proportions, no one looked like catching Dave after he stormed to an overnight lead and so it proved to be with only Andy making a vain attempt to overhaul his 1 shot lead and 10 shot handicap advantage.

Yes, you read that right - Andy finished in 2nd place, finally ending his 3 year losing streak. The relief on his part was palpable and only slightly tempered by the fact that this year's loser, Degs, has already roped him in to help out with next year's trip (a return to SW France being on the cards).

Other results were as follows:

• As well as 2nd spot, Andy took the aggregate title after some fine consistent golf
• Best score of the week was posted by Lucky with a 77 and 50 points round Loch Palm
• Bruce retained the Johnny Niblick for nearest the pin
• Gomez also retained the Johnny Driver trophy (a nice new salver - we've seen the back of that damn stupid car)
• Horrible retained Johnny Putter for some memorable long putts during the week
• Simon held on to the Johnny Tosser prize, mostly for organising the flight home on the wrong day and then not even turning up
• Newcomer Bruno  - a welcome addition to the tour - picked up a prize for Johnny Hangover
• Lucky went home with the Johnny Perv prize for.... well, what goes on tour etc etc

Finally, news from the Order of Merit and the only notable changes were:

• Lucky and Bruce did their usual swap between 2nd and 3rd place, Horrible having been top of the rankings since 2003
• Bruno comes in at 12th after his hangover win
• Simon, after winning tosser once again, drops to 15th and last in the OoM, almost moving into negative points territory. Shameful for one of the founder members.

Phuket bound
July 30th 2011

The excitement mounts as the day for this year's championship approaches. Across the globe, swings are being honed, trophies engraved and bags packed in preparation for the 25th anniversary of this historic event.

This year we see a welcome addition to the ranks, as Bruno (who briefly put in an appearance last year in Stockholm) will be joining the tour for the entire week.

The starting handicaps will be:

Lucky back on top
September 26th 2010

This year's final saw another play-off for the title this time between defending champion Gomez and multiple winner Lucky. On the 2nd extra hole, Taco eventually succumbed to the unrelenting pressure from Dave, flubbing a couple of chips after Lucky had stuck his approach 3 wood just short of the green.

Clearly the excitement of draining a monster putt on the last to get into the play-off had been too much for the Mexican although Lucky was quick to thank his manager: "Having Monkey on the bag for the play off really helped, plus the fact that I knew the crowd were 100% behind me".

At the other end of the race, Bruce and Andy were neck and neck standing on the 18th tee, but after Baldy stuck a monster drive to within a short chip of the green, Choker stuck his into the water and that was that.

Other results were as follows:

• Derek finished 3rd, just missing out on the play-off after putting his approach to 18 in the water
• Gomez took the aggregate as well as Johnny Driver for a monster 309m drive
• As well as the title, Lucky picked up Johnny Hangover for entertaining the locals with a Swedish drinking song
• Bruce took home the Johnny Niblick for a fine tee shot on the 3rd at Ullna on day 1
• Horrible won Johnny Putter and the perve title
• Simon though absent rightly retained Johnny Tosser, an award that has been doubly justified by subsequent events

So as the 25th event fades into happy memories we look forward to Hat Trick Andy organising next year's trip. Thailand anyone?

Stockholm bound
August 5th 2010

With only a few days to go before the 25th Johnny Golfer tournament the banter is flowing fast, everyone (well a couple of the boys) are getting in some practice and plans are already being made for next year (Andy). 

The starting handicaps will be:

Johnny Golfer website now with added embarrassment
January 10th 2010

We are happy to announce that the website is now video-ready. Here are a couple of classics from previous years:

Bruce Edwards bunker master class, 2008

Greg loses a ball at Gleneagles, 1999

Stockholm for the 25th Johnny Golfer
January 10th 2010

Plans are well in hand for this year's trip which will be a first time visit to Scandawegia. Home to Fanny, we will be staying in Stockholm and playing some of the top courses in the area. More details when we have them.

First win for Lindsay
January 10th 2010

A strong performance throughout the week saw Lindsay achieve that rare double, taking both the Aggregate and Johnny Golfer titles. Amazingly, in the last 2 years he has bounded up 6 places in the Order of Merit a truly remarkable feat for one so lacking in talent.

In other news,

• Andy retained the Wooden Spoon (he just loves organising) so we can look forward to another top trip next year
• Simon picked up the 2 prizes no one wants to win - Tosser and Pervert - with the result that Tony Wells leap frogs him and moves up one place in the order of merit
• Andy presented a new prize, the Johnny Niblick, for nearest the pin, the competition taking place over the course of the week on a nominated hole on each round. Horrible won on its inaugural staging putting his tee shot at the 17th on Red Mountain to within 3 feet of the pin.

Thailand here we come
May 4th 2009

Plans are almost finalised for this year's trip. The dates are set, the villa and tee times are booked and deposits paid. All that remains is for the boys to book their flights and of course get in plenty of practice as we can look forward for some tough challenges in the tropical heat.

The starting handicaps will be:

Second title for Degsy
September 25th 2008

Despite a strong challenge from Gomez, Derek walks away with his second title this year staged at the Machrihanish golf club. More accurately that should be "drives away" as the availability of buggies probably had it's part to play in his victory. Taco didn't come away empty handed, winning Johnny Aggregate his first trophy other than Tosser which this year again went to Stuart for his cack handed organisation of this years event. More details including a full list of the winners and losers can be found in the tour report.

No news is bad news
June 25th 2008

Still no news out of Camp Grazier as to where the next Johnny Golfer tour will be (because Stu doesn't know yet either), but at least we can give you a starting date. Sunday September 7th is when we're supposed to be meeting, somewhere in London. Vague enough for you? Word has it that Stu is putting in lots of practice in order to avoid losing again. Everyone else is fervently praying that doesn't happen.

What we can tell you are this year's starting handicaps:

Monkey Scouser
April 9th 2008

Our hats are off to Monkey Newton who lands his 3rd championship win. If there were a prize for most improved player then that would go to Greg who has to settle for the Aggregate and Putter trophies instead.

At the bottom end of the table, everyone's money was on Simon Green to be organising the 2008 event but a staggering bunker shot on the 18th at Birkdale (which frankly Tiger would have been proud of) saw him put the final nail into Stuart's coffin and so bald-eagle Grazier is in the hot seat for next year (God help us).

Yer startin'?
August 9th 2007

So after 20 years away (in terms of the championship), this year we return to England to visit some of the best links courses in the world. With the brochure due to drop on our mats any day now and with the prospect of a record field, expectations are high.

Itinerary confirmed for JG06
July 3rd 2006

This years championship venue has been decided. After warm-up rounds at Silverado (North and South), Stonetree and Old Del Monte (the oldest course west of the Mississippi), the first 18 holes will be held at Poppy Hills GC in Monterey and the final round will be at Pasatiempo GC in Santa Cruz. Full itinerary here.

Pasatiempo, opened in 1929, is possibly the finest course designed by architect Alister MacKenzie. Completed immediately prior to his going to Georgia to design Augusta National, Dr MacKenzie liked it so much that he retired here to a house by the 6th tee. Although only 6400 yards it seems much longer due to the tight fairways and hills, so a course that will favour those that can keep it straight rather than the big hitters.

Date change for JG06
February 18th 2006

The dates for this years tour have been changed to September 9th - 16th. Still no word from the organiser on venue. Let's hope he's doing something.

How far's that Johnny?
November 24th 2005

In accordance with the recent R&A and USGA Decision 14-3/0.5, the use of distance-measuring devices are now permitted on the Johnny Golfer Tour.

We're on our way to Monterey??
October 14th 2005

Date and venue for the 20th anniversary tour have tentatively been set for October 7th - 14th for San Francisco and the Monterey peninsula. As we go to press Johnny Woodenspoon, ably assisted by Colonel Walnuts, is fleshing out the plans but the itinerary looks something like: The Presidio, Harding Park, Half Moon Bay, Pasatiempo, Spyglass and finally Pebble Beach. More details when we have them.

Derek wins Johnny Golfer 2005
September 28th 2005

After several near misses in recent years, Degsy finally landed his first title winning by 7 points from Colonel Walnuts with the Monkey 1 point further back in third. Our congratulations go to him for a well deserved victory. Walnuts, as well as his second place, also won the Aggregate prize and moves up 4 places in the Order of Merit.

At the other end of the table, Tony Wells once again picked up the Wooden Spoon in a closely fought scrap with Andy. He also scooped the Johnny Driver prize with a long-to-be-remembered drive on the opening hole of the tournament round where in front of the gallery his ball hit a OOB fence post and bounced back to about 6 feet in front of where he stood.

In other news, there was no competition for Lindsay as he was named Johnny Tosser, a result which sees him slip down 1 place to 13th in the Order of Merit. Greg retained the Hangover trophy and also won the putter and finally Horrible retained the Johnny Perv trophy for the 4th successive year.

Final Preparations in the build up to Portugal
August 29th 2005

With less than 2 weeks until this year's event kicks off, the excitement is mounting. News from Germany is that some poor recent scoring has seen Lucky pay a visit to his pro for some overdue lessons. Having seen him take one swing, the pro asked Lucky's handicap. "Thirteen" was the answer. "I'm surprised", says the pro. "That's it's not less?" asks Lucky. "That you've managed to get it so low with a swing like that" was the pro's reply. Major rebuilding work is therefore now in progress at, it has to be said, a very late date.

Meanwhile, news from the Spanish islands is that Degsy it not overdoing it in his warm up preparations for Portugal, concentrating mostly of getting prepared for the post round quaffing activities. "I plan of having plenty of rosé and cigarettes and not even thinking about golf until the last 2 days" says Degs. Already being acclimatised to the weather, it looks like Derek will be in fine form come September 10th.

Elsewhere, word has it that Gomez, after visiting a pro and showing signs of improvement earlier in the year, has now reverted to form and has a swing more reminiscent of a Catherine Wheel than a golfer. Luckily for the Mexican, Tony Wells doesn't seem to have picked up a golf club since last year and Monkey hasn't hit a golf ball straight in over 20 years and isn't likely to start now. So the likely members of the group of death are Lucky, Tony, Monkey and hot favourite for JWS05, Gomez.

Get johnnygolfer.com on your PDA
August 8th 2005

Yes, johnnygolfer.com is now available from your PDA, so even when you're on the road there's no reason to be out of touch with no. 1 golf site on the internet. Simply bookmark johnnygolfer.com/pda on your iPAQ, Smartphone or other fancy gadget for the best in golf.

Starting handicaps for JG05 announced
July 19th 2005

Portugal the venue for this years event

After much discussion and with initial thoughts turning towards Thailand, it has finally been decided that this years tournament will be held near Lisbon, Portugal. Details are still sketchy but more information will follow as soon as last years Johnny Wooden Spoon, Tony Wells, gets out of therapy.

Greg records first win in Scottsdale

With some fine form and posting the best ever points score in a competition round, Greggy sees his name added to the famous old trophy. Coming into the week with the handicap of an old driver (his new one being illegal) he showed the boys that you don't have to spend your way into the record books by consistently hitting his old Big Bertha straight down the middle. After that first round of 49 points Greg never looked like being caught, despite some sterling work by Degs finishing second for the 4th time and Andy (also involved in the illegal club scandal) in third.

At the other end of the competition, Tony Wells in his first full week fulfilled all promise and walked away with the Wooden Spoon. This despite some classic choking by Gomez on the last nine which nearly saw him lose it and almost looked like we had a playoff on our hands before a recount confirmed Wellsy as the loser. Despite coming into the week with a driver borrowed from his club pro (his own one having been ruled illegal), Tony showed some wonderful inconsistency off the tee and so again walked away with the Johnny Driver prize.

Gomez In Illegal Club Shocker

Always keen to spot a bargain, it looks like Gomez's new driver may be costing him more than he bargained for. His new TaylorMade 580XD, bought in the UK, does not conform with Appendix II, 5a of the Rules of Golf which the Johnny Golfer tournament adopted in 2002. The good news is that he can use it for all the warm up rounds without penalty, but if it comes out of the bag for the competition itself then he could face disqualification. The committee, in a magnanimous gesture, did consider reducing this to a 2 shot penalty for every hole the club was used, but the rules are the rules and if the R&A say no then that's it. Looks like it's going to be an iron off the tee for the Mexican.

Starting Handicaps for JG04 Announced

2004 Venue

Johnny Golfer 2004 sees a return to the desert and will be held in Scottsdale, Arizona, in early September.

Illegal clubs

As last year, the committee has decided to adopt Appendix II, 5a of the Rules of Golf. This states that "a clubhead with a loft measurement of 15 degrees or less is deemed not to conform with this Rule if, under specified test conditions, it has a coefficient of restitution (COR) which is greater than 0.830". A full list of non-conforming clubs can be found here. Additionally, "broomstick" putters will not be allowed as being against the spirit of the game.

2003 Results

Dave "Horrible" Bruce walks away with the 2003 title with only Degsy offering a serious contention. Despite a poor first 18 from Lucky and an early wobble on the last 18 from Andy, Bruce falls apart on the final 9 to land the wooden spoon.

The house on the hill